Friday, March 7, 2014

Living in Depression, cancer of the soul.

Life sometimes is absurd, all things that we have tried to forget comes back to haunt us. Environment is very huge for us to fit in, where shall I place myself? Where do i belong? Whom shall I trust and whom shall I love?

Everyone of us have spoken to ourselves many times. Asked many questions many times, and many times we couldnt even find the answers. Or might be that the answers can be found to others? I dont know.
Times pass by so fast sometimes, and most of the times it is very slow. I can see the day light starts to get dim, as if the dark clouds are coming over me. I can see my past haunts me.
In my dreams they are so clear that they create fear inside of me. I live in the dream and im in between half awake and half asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweat, dizziness and drown by my own agony. Im trapped and my heart palpitations are getting heavier as if I am running for marathon. 
There it goes, I would like to have freedom? can i buy that? oh, well if theres freedom to buy i could have been the first to have bought it, or diligent in pursuit of degree in happiness. 
But I wonder where is happiness when I needed her? shes not around you know? she might be as well as busy as me, just like everybody else. 
I look at myself in the mirror and all I see are failures that had been crowned on the top of my head. I can see the smiles of my competitors and concurrence with the look in their eyes as if they are talking to me. Speaking me all of my mistakes and my weaknesses. I have seen my loved ones faces, They are so lovely, adorable. They made me smile and aired my lungs for while. And then suddenly, I see my very own self, stucked right there, still living on her own. Steadily, i see my eyes missing the one person I onced were. Who was I then and who am I now? I couldnt barely knew myself. I feel so disgusting of all the things I have been through.

I see my way back to the dream, those times when I was tiny and held by many arms. Handle with care I suppose, but they made me broken, both inside and out. Then after the tragedy, I left them with satisfaction yet they cost me my life. I felt like a ransom towards an unforgiving future. 
Justice was never declared, I was too weak, Justice is really blind. And I am aware of that. The world is a trash can of all humans of Good and Bad. And of all those darkness, I can see light, and light is precious but I cant hold it. I cant touch it. And as the sun goes down by the waters, I feel it slipping away and leaving me again...until tomorrow.
“Fairy tales dont tell you that dragons are real, but that they can be defeated!” 
Now where was I? I am in the midst of my anxiety, I feel needed but i need someone too. Where would I turn to`? when all I see are my loved ones calling me, I must be strong for while, to show that I am very strong, I can defeat the dragon in me. But no one knew I am fighting against myself.
That At this moment, right now, my enemy is Me. But who would dare to ask how I feel? except from the traditional questions '' How are yoy today?'' which is answered in a traditonal way ''I am fine''.  Its hard to wear a smile then turn around as tears may run down easily. 
I LOVED LIFE ONCE, I LIVED LIFE ONCE, but now its gone.This misery I feel is like a poison planted by those who mis-used my vulnerability. I long for peace inside of my head.
I feel like seeing myself right there where I stood when I was tortured deeply. My heart and soul is wounded. I long for freedom.. And yes, I needed freedom, yes! you heard it right! Freedom. 
You might think I am imprisoned, yes thats true. I am imprisoned into my past that couldnt let me go. I forgave and let go but the hurt was not fading away. It doesnt leave me at all no matter what i do. Or maybe sometimes i think that death is the best escape, but you know I cant. I've got two kids. On the other hand, they can be my reason but no. One day in their lives, they will come to decide to live their own, to create their own story. And yes, to the end, it will be between me and silence again. I fear silence, I fear loneliness, I fear darkness, its killing my soul deeply. Like it eats my bone marrow day and night. My tears dries up each night i sleep on my pillow.
Even my blanket refuse to give me warm when I feel cold. And the negative emotions come and comfor me with sadness and fears. they are diligent in keeping me company. 
But I stand to refuse to let go of my pain, though it stuck me right through my heart and mind. reminding me of all the pain and failures I did and reminding me of all the dismayed others had caused me. I long to have my life back, I long to see me again. That lady I once were.
I almost feel like a cancer patient, but difference is...I've got the cancer into my soul.. and its going to kill me one day... And freedom from above all this pain and sorrow is the thing I need. free me.. free me....Until tomorrow when the sun shines again..


Come Oh my Lord, and bless me! among your people, I am this tiny little one. You see? my life had ate me, it had cursed me daily. my sufferings I know You see.. Dont be deaf to my call. You are great among all powers and bigger than the universe my eyes could see. 
You are mighty than all knowledge any human had known. You are big in my life, you had formed me. I know its not your will for me to suffer, but whatelse have my ancestors had done, please consider me. I am your servant. You had formed me to be in your likeness, You created me just like you are. Bear with me! And count me in as one to those you have healed. Give me back my peace and give me the best thing to continue to live my life. Let me see your works, and let me go to the places you want me to go. Let me speak what you have to say because in You, I'll be restored. In You, I will rejoice, in You my soul is secured. Take out my soul from the illness of these world, and comfort me. Let Your power move into my life that your people will see that there is goodness in me. That through You I am whole again. My heart will once again have a life, this time it will be Your life I will live onwards.

How many days have I lost? How can I get back to the place where I started? I'm outside a house, trying to find my way in. But it is locked and the blinds are down, and I've lost the key, and I can't remember what the rooms look like or where I put anything. And if I dare go in inside, I wonder... will I ever be able to find my way out? People say I'm going crazy. But inevitably, I didn't have the time to ask myself if I am crazy. I only know one thing, that crazy people don't give time to think they are nuts..!