Thursday, March 13, 2014

Micheal Jackson! my favorite Icon and a living legend!!

Micheal Joseph Jackson is the King of Pop, well known by the world since he was very little. The world known him through his tremendous voice when he use to play with the Jackson 5. And through those years, people just know him through his performance on the stage. The Young Micheal looks so very happy on stage, but what we dont know about him is the real MJ behind the stage and behind the scenes. 

I sat down today and listens to his music, it soothes me innerly and makes me lives in his song while it plays on my player. I have admired MJ since childhood. I guess the first music video I have seen was the 'THRILLER'.  I guess thats very amazing and huge, his voice is very attracting and very inviting to dance with. And it inspires me all through the years. I had this funny thought when I was little that when I'll grow up, I will move to America to be near MJ and able to see his concerts. So I did worked hard and tried to learn more of english language. It was amazing really. All through the years I supported and maybe because of my family life situation, I could not even buy a ticket when MJ had a concert in Asia. 
It makes me curious still about him when it was reported many times he like little boys, but I assure you. I never believe in those, I felt like there must be something in it. 

Now, I have watched many videos scattered online about MJ, regarding things he have done and regarding his skin. He is proud to be a Black American, but he has a skin disease that destroys the pigmentation of the skin cells. This is hereditary in MJ's fathers side. Well, thats good one!! 
And one thing, MJ compensate himself through material things around him just like the house he lived in in Neverland. It is his ways because he never had a childhood years, he has got pimples, got scorned by his father, he cried and laughed just like an ordinary person. And I guess this even had caused him some depressions in his adolescent years. I am amazed  by his life, actually, as an ordinary person, we have nothing to complain about. Our daily living is complete with happiness, we lived fully as child most of us I suppose. we have friends, which he didnt have except his brothers. We have all had parties, buddies and just hang out when we were teens. 
News had spread regarding his cases about child molesting.. I further move about that, coz I dont believe in it either. I think it is more media pressure and the Illuminati.  He is a memeber of that I guess.. 
Some of the well-known persona in the world are members of the Illuminati, they control the world. They control the media, block markets, wars and many billion involving investments of every country.
Recently, I have seen some videos by so called prophets that MJ is one of the devils singer and he dance just like in hell? I never thought that you can dance in hell? and sing too at same time? they say that MJ sold his soul to the devil... whoaaaa!!!! People overdrive too much about everything now..
I thought hell is full of torment and madness? full of suffering, isnt it? thats what written on the bible... 
That hell is a place of torment and  sufferings, a lake of fire.. how could you dance in there? and sing? 
Hmmm I dont know bout that!! He sings like an angel... And I dont know how other fans of MJ like me would handle that!!
In a video of Mj's rehearsals for the album 'THIS IS IT', I have seen that he is very kind and nice person-. He treats his crew and band very kindly, and hes got the expressions ''I LOVE YOU'' and  ''God Bless You''. He has few words even in the rehearsal.. 
On the following videos I will publish here, you will see him in his interview with Oprah Winfrey
and a video film of the rehearsal for This is it album.
Following videos may even be attached in this publications and is dedicated to all MJ FANS!!!
Now here I am getting very nostalgic about Mj. 
I am a resident of Europe now and still MJ lives as a legend...!! Salute!!

Micheal Jacksons full interview on Oprah Winfrey show

This is it Rehearsals with the crew

Break Of Dawn 

Beat It
Earth Song
Black or White
You Are Not Alone
Moonwalk collection
Heaven can wait
Remember The Time
Wings of my love


NOW! here is the one guy heard to be the son of the King of Pop.
But proven he just grew up the Jackson family...
Welcome to Brandon Howard!!
He is just like Micheals copy in every way as he sings.
His voice, his steps and his gestures.. he the SON? 
Nope!!! but media claims to be!!



I Do It

Wanna Love Me

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

A Wonderful Day

Its good to meet new people and make friends, and good to know that same people you meet would have same interests like you.


Life is very funny sometimes, it can give you unsearchable things.
Wonerful day, and I have been running errands all through the town.. Been in a meeting that made me so sleepy, a job search, job informations which were interesting in few things. Now I am here again...
Run back to the town and made some arrangements. The finally, it was over with running errands..

Finally it was four o'clock in the afternoon. the sun still shining as it glimpse through the waters. I like the sun so much. I've been missing the sun for few months, I am meeting a girl today. we became friends now and I think its good to have her near though. I liker her and I enjoy her company.

My Self reflection...

She doing a selfie

Michelle dear

The waters in its diamond clothing over the earth..

whats wrong with the feet lady??

look down??

Yes a sunny day!!

sitting here? come and join me!!

Hey you!!

You gotta be the next!! lol

Have fun! Have life!! 
Meet new people and make life worth living!! 
Life is short, but shorter by griefing. 
I look at the smooth and slow flowing water. 
I wonder what it would be like to move forward
 and never look back. 
Or never stay or be in the same place twice.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Living In Depression, A Broken Soul

I would like to believe that people around me would be more understandable than I am. I would like to think that when I'm hurting, they would see the pain right through my heart. Everytime I go out, my eyes cant take the light. I feel more vulnerable around these people even though I know they dont know me. I am paranoid. Sometimes I wish that my imagination would create things in real so I wont get worried that I am hallucinating.

Lately I feel my world is turning upside down. I feel like no one cares, or maybe they do but I dont see anyone around me now. My heart is heavy and I feel like everything is so difficult to understand. Or maybe its just me who are difficult to talk to.
I would like to explain about depression to you. Well, I dont know where to start, but I know that since childhood I have been through a lot. Some difficulties and tragedies I shouldn’t be with.
I loved my little family, truthfully I call them family. I am the eldest, I have wonderful siblings. There are two boys and one little sister. Shes fine you know? When you see her she will not like you. Shes kinda different I suppose. Maybe I have put too much negative things on her, I dont know. But you see? We were all happy together when we were little. Theres this tiny things we argue sometimes but it all goes away for while and we're all friends again.
Father is a good man, he is lovely. He is the man I look up to. I love him you know? Yes dear reader, my father is almost my world. You might say I am a daddy's girl. Oh! Well thats sounds good. He is a treasure for me, now hes got silver hair and his heart weighs more than gold. Oh! Yeah I forgot, ive got mother too. Shes okay you know. We dont get along together but I guess shes alright.
I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.

You see the differences of people in depression is that, some have good families, grown up well, have wealth and lacks of nothing but attention. I am reversed, I grew up with a broken family. My mom and dad dont get along well together. They would argue even in the middle of the night just of tiny things, they speak in loud noises and my ears even swelling. But thats all.
People use to say on normal days ''im depressed'' well theres a lot of sorts of that. Depression starts from the memories of childhood, additional with traumas and some tragedy or might have been into some abused situation. I dont say I am a victim coz I dont see myself that way. I am just in a wrong place and on a wrong time.
My depression causes me not to sleep, it causes me nightmares. I am worried all day and all night. I fear life even though I know that things that had happened wont ever come back again. I fear myself to things I might going to do. I fear people around me, I'mso scared so you know. I wear my smile infront of people to show that I can manage, but deep inside I'm hurting so deep that it feels like bleeding. People say I am crazy, but I guess crazy people dont have the inevitability to ask themselves if they're crazy. I dont even have the time to know if I am going crazy myself. I have been into Bughouse, but that doesnt mean I am disfunctional. It does not mean I am handicapped and that it dont matter what I think anymore. My feelings are more heavier now and I need someone to talk to. But thats alright! Everybody's busy nowadays. I understand everything but I cant focus at same time. I feel more confused about life and about my ownself. I see people around me as a threat, a threat to something I couldnt even define what it would be or could be. My machine is breaking, it feels like exploding in no time and I cant stop the pain. The hurt is streaming like a thunder. It breaks through my bones and then my heart feels heavy. Like it is filled with all the doubts, worry, anger and madness...but most of all that awares me is that...there is something in read it right.. I feel longing..
There is something in my heart that I am longing but I dont know what it is. No one could explain to me either. Now I sit here in front of this screen writing about myself. Or maybe I am just a little bit stupid to speak with the keyboard when I know it will never response to everything I would say. It will just do what I want it to do. Tell me more people!! tell me I am crazy, but sure you know I will never!! never!! admit that I am crazy. Because I am not crazy, I am just full in my machine.

When I was at peak everybody cared, everybody liked me. I played the game. I speak good things that all people want to hear, I act as though everyone admired me. I smile, but no one knew I can even cry hard enough that it feels like dying. And when they see me, asking how am I and I answered them im alright or maybe not alright but it dont matter though. Because the moment I answered them I am not alright, same moment they turned around and left. And I am there alone. Standing like a fool, waiting for the next  person to ask me same question in hope that maybe the next person would dare to stay at my worst. But you see? No one dared to stay. Everybody leaves just like the days, it passes by so quickly. There are none at all, they were not real.They were imaginary friends. They were there when there was nothing needed, they are there and shared the goodness and all the party around the town, I kept hanging out with them but after those times I was needing them then they disappeared like clouds. Leaving me with all my hurt and not knowing why. They look at my outer skin and says they dont judge but I can see through their eyes they speak silently, not to everyone but to themselves.
Now I felt desperation, I feel anger in me. Maybe I was wrong to love, maybe I was stupid to trust and believe too much that people have the heart. Maybe I am so stupid enough to think that the world is a better place if there are people who are good. Well, the world is already a dumpsite. All is mixed up of good and bad and no matter what I do, I know for real that the bad wins most of the time. This is the reality, so dont argue with me. I cry my tears on my pillow every night, my eyes are swollen day by day and yet I manage to wear my smile. I am disappointed that in all the things I've done, I am not perfect, but I know I have done good things too. But of all those it became useless, it became nothing, it meant nothing, all the people see is the worse part of me, they only see the outer part of me. Does not my heart weigh more than what I look like physically? Or maybe I would turn and ask them if theyre the one whose crazy? I dont know. But right now? I think the world is just a bare crust withholding people who are actors and actresses.
On the contrary, even if I am depressed, I still can drive myself normal. I can drink but maybe a zip, I can eat but maybe because my body needs it not because I want to. I can go out for a walk but I might gonna be into an accident. I can wear a smile to show im alright, but deep in me I am planning to die. Death is the the best escape for now to not feel lonely, to not feel fear, to not feel the living. I can hear what you say but maybe not so clear and I only hear the sound of your voice. I dont know what you say. My body functions is not working well and my aggression against myself is taking place, then because of fear, I want isolation from the outside world and keep myself inside my own box. Thought of that this can be of help, and yes it is a help. For a while, yeah, it made me feel safe inside the box, no one stares, no one asks, no one point a finger and least not one compare themselves to me. Because what they have is different for what I have now. And maybe I wish I could sleep and never wake up at all. Maybe when I'm dead, people would come on my grave and make an act they care when I was alived, hell yeah I would rather be a ghost and kick them off. I know when Im dead people would pretend to cry like we were close, they would open up messages that I have done for them and remind those funny things I do when I was with them. But it wont matter when I am dead.

Now I am still alive!! still I dont know what sort of people I have to choose, its far beyond my understanding and I feel so lost. At the moment, my mind is quiet..there is no fire or ash, no sulfur or shattering glass. Only silence, empty and cold. The city was a machine of its own, continuously producing. We were constantly pumped out through its assembly line, in different forms or models. We came hardwired with different stories, dark secrets, vices, and defects. Over time, we fail and come to find our end, but the city continues onwards

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Melody Festival Sweden Contributes 2014

Here is the 2014 Melodifestival contributions for the year 2014. The winner will be a contribute to Eurovision 2014.

Here are the Ten contributions and the votes will be registered after the counts from the jury.
Listen and Enjoy..!!!! 

Anton Ewald - Natural

Ellen Benediktson - Songbird

Alcazar -  Blame it on the Disco

Oscar Zia - Yes We Can

Linus Svenning - Bröder

Helena Paparizou - Survivor

Yohio - To The End

Sanna Nielsen - Undo

Panetoz - Efter Solsken

Ace Wilder - Busy Doin Nothin


The winner will take it on the EUROVISION Contest 2014 in Copenhagen, Denmark....
Looking forward..!!



For more videos please direct to this link:

Friday, March 7, 2014

Living in Depression, cancer of the soul.

Life sometimes is absurd, all things that we have tried to forget comes back to haunt us. Environment is very huge for us to fit in, where shall I place myself? Where do i belong? Whom shall I trust and whom shall I love?

Everyone of us have spoken to ourselves many times. Asked many questions many times, and many times we couldnt even find the answers. Or might be that the answers can be found to others? I dont know.
Times pass by so fast sometimes, and most of the times it is very slow. I can see the day light starts to get dim, as if the dark clouds are coming over me. I can see my past haunts me.
In my dreams they are so clear that they create fear inside of me. I live in the dream and im in between half awake and half asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweat, dizziness and drown by my own agony. Im trapped and my heart palpitations are getting heavier as if I am running for marathon. 
There it goes, I would like to have freedom? can i buy that? oh, well if theres freedom to buy i could have been the first to have bought it, or diligent in pursuit of degree in happiness. 
But I wonder where is happiness when I needed her? shes not around you know? she might be as well as busy as me, just like everybody else. 
I look at myself in the mirror and all I see are failures that had been crowned on the top of my head. I can see the smiles of my competitors and concurrence with the look in their eyes as if they are talking to me. Speaking me all of my mistakes and my weaknesses. I have seen my loved ones faces, They are so lovely, adorable. They made me smile and aired my lungs for while. And then suddenly, I see my very own self, stucked right there, still living on her own. Steadily, i see my eyes missing the one person I onced were. Who was I then and who am I now? I couldnt barely knew myself. I feel so disgusting of all the things I have been through.

I see my way back to the dream, those times when I was tiny and held by many arms. Handle with care I suppose, but they made me broken, both inside and out. Then after the tragedy, I left them with satisfaction yet they cost me my life. I felt like a ransom towards an unforgiving future. 
Justice was never declared, I was too weak, Justice is really blind. And I am aware of that. The world is a trash can of all humans of Good and Bad. And of all those darkness, I can see light, and light is precious but I cant hold it. I cant touch it. And as the sun goes down by the waters, I feel it slipping away and leaving me again...until tomorrow.
“Fairy tales dont tell you that dragons are real, but that they can be defeated!” 
Now where was I? I am in the midst of my anxiety, I feel needed but i need someone too. Where would I turn to`? when all I see are my loved ones calling me, I must be strong for while, to show that I am very strong, I can defeat the dragon in me. But no one knew I am fighting against myself.
That At this moment, right now, my enemy is Me. But who would dare to ask how I feel? except from the traditional questions '' How are yoy today?'' which is answered in a traditonal way ''I am fine''.  Its hard to wear a smile then turn around as tears may run down easily. 
I LOVED LIFE ONCE, I LIVED LIFE ONCE, but now its gone.This misery I feel is like a poison planted by those who mis-used my vulnerability. I long for peace inside of my head.
I feel like seeing myself right there where I stood when I was tortured deeply. My heart and soul is wounded. I long for freedom.. And yes, I needed freedom, yes! you heard it right! Freedom. 
You might think I am imprisoned, yes thats true. I am imprisoned into my past that couldnt let me go. I forgave and let go but the hurt was not fading away. It doesnt leave me at all no matter what i do. Or maybe sometimes i think that death is the best escape, but you know I cant. I've got two kids. On the other hand, they can be my reason but no. One day in their lives, they will come to decide to live their own, to create their own story. And yes, to the end, it will be between me and silence again. I fear silence, I fear loneliness, I fear darkness, its killing my soul deeply. Like it eats my bone marrow day and night. My tears dries up each night i sleep on my pillow.
Even my blanket refuse to give me warm when I feel cold. And the negative emotions come and comfor me with sadness and fears. they are diligent in keeping me company. 
But I stand to refuse to let go of my pain, though it stuck me right through my heart and mind. reminding me of all the pain and failures I did and reminding me of all the dismayed others had caused me. I long to have my life back, I long to see me again. That lady I once were.
I almost feel like a cancer patient, but difference is...I've got the cancer into my soul.. and its going to kill me one day... And freedom from above all this pain and sorrow is the thing I need. free me.. free me....Until tomorrow when the sun shines again..

Come Oh my Lord, and bless me! among your people, I am this tiny little one. You see? my life had ate me, it had cursed me daily. my sufferings I know You see.. Dont be deaf to my call. You are great among all powers and bigger than the universe my eyes could see. 
You are mighty than all knowledge any human had known. You are big in my life, you had formed me. I know its not your will for me to suffer, but whatelse have my ancestors had done, please consider me. I am your servant. You had formed me to be in your likeness, You created me just like you are. Bear with me! And count me in as one to those you have healed. Give me back my peace and give me the best thing to continue to live my life. Let me see your works, and let me go to the places you want me to go. Let me speak what you have to say because in You, I'll be restored. In You, I will rejoice, in You my soul is secured. Take out my soul from the illness of these world, and comfort me. Let Your power move into my life that your people will see that there is goodness in me. That through You I am whole again. My heart will once again have a life, this time it will be Your life I will live onwards.

How many days have I lost? How can I get back to the place where I started? I'm outside a house, trying to find my way in. But it is locked and the blinds are down, and I've lost the key, and I can't remember what the rooms look like or where I put anything. And if I dare go in inside, I wonder... will I ever be able to find my way out? People say I'm going crazy. But inevitably, I didn't have the time to ask myself if I am crazy. I only know one thing, that crazy people don't give time to think they are nuts..!

Sunday, March 2, 2014

I Need My Shell

I guess I'm too sensitive, my heart could feel all the emotions and every of my nerve can feel the pain whenever I think of one person. 

 Isn't it written in the Bible that a friend must be a friend at all times?  Including the good and the bad?

I knew that friendship could atleast give us company. Or maybe I am assuming too much. 
I had done mistakes but those moments was the time I needed you the most. Those were the time I was lost and in need of someone to hold of and tell me or might remind me to go back to the right way.  But you left,  yes. 

You were with me in times of good, when all my senses were working well  and all my substance where at peak to produce all the gladness I have in me. 
 I know myself, that in those times with you, you became a part of me. You became close to my heart, just as same as my very first bestfriend. I counted you the second.  Or even closer to me,. I'm not that bad I guess. You should've considered the goodness in me,  cause somehow I relied that you really know me than anyone else. 
Then my fall came, my weakness took over me.  And same time I fall, same time you let me go. 
I am in turmoil and struggling to fight against myself, still you look at me invisibly and only see my mistake. 
Your mouth released forgiveness but your heart is full of blame. 
Now where is your belief that I use to admire?  Where is your heart I use to hold onto. Or might be that all those things you've shown were just an act in a play where we were both actresses.
That would be a good play then!!
Now my fall left me wounded at heart. 
I am hurt seeing you moving on while I am still in pain thinking that I was never meant something for you at all.  Never!!
You turned not knowing I loved you dearly.  Its hurting me really, stabbed right through my heart. That's what you did.
And I think and wished I was a turtle.  That whenever I would feel my hurt,I could just pull my head down and keep myself in my shell.  That above those pretty captivated shell, I am unknown under talking alone. Then when all is well, I could just get out for a little time, take time through slowlessness that all will be good at end. 
But I'm more than a turtle. I feel more than that. I feel..  I feel like..  like something.., where you use my emotion until I'm alright then afterwards be thrown away.. only if you'd knew the impacts you have carved into my heart, only if your understanding where even as mine.. but it's all yours now, wish you goodness and all favor from God. 
I wish you would think of me when the perfect time comes. 


Wish I could do something to not feel the pain when I see you smiling. To see you are happy with everyone else.  Just to know that all is well and that I never meant anything from you.. 
A turtle might be easier to understand because it's slowlessness can give time to think that in the end all will be good enough. I wish I was like the turtle to just get into my own shell whenever my pain could kill me, it was because I gave enough love to you and never had crossed your mind how much you had affected me deeply.. You're such a poison in my heart and in my mind. You are the friend I have given all my emotions to. But.. .who cares anyway? You moved on, I moved back.. you let go and I kept my hope to dream you're here....