I Need My Shell

I guess I'm too sensitive, my heart could feel all the emotions and every of my nerve can feel the pain whenever I think of one person. 

 Isn't it written in the Bible that a friend must be a friend at all times?  Including the good and the bad?

I knew that friendship could atleast give us company. Or maybe I am assuming too much. 

I had done mistakes but those moments was the time I needed you the most. Those were the time I was lost and in need of someone to hold of and tell me or might remind me to go back to the right way.  But you left,  yes. 

You were with me in times of good, when all my senses were working well  and all my substance where at peak to produce all the gladness I have in me. 

 I know myself, that in those times with you, you became a part of me. You became close to my heart, just as same as my very first bestfriend. I counted you the second.  Or even closer to me,. I'm not that bad I guess. You should've considered the goodness in me,  cause somehow I relied that you really know me than anyone else. 

Then my fall came, my weakness took over me.  And same time I fall, same time you let me go. 

I am in turmoil and struggling to fight against myself, still you look at me invisibly and only see my mistake. 

Your mouth released forgiveness but your heart is full of blame. 

Now where is your belief that I use to admire?  Where is your heart I use to hold onto. Or might be that all those things you've shown were just an act in a play where we were both actresses.
That would be a good play then!!

Now my fall left me wounded at heart. 

I am hurt seeing you moving on while I am still in pain thinking that I was never meant something for you at all.  Never!!
You turned not knowing I loved you dearly.  Its hurting me really, stabbed right through my heart. That's what you did.

And I think and wished I was a turtle.  That whenever I would feel my hurt,I could just pull my head down and keep myself in my shell.  That above those pretty captivated shell, I am unknown under talking alone. Then when all is well, I could just get out for a little time, take time through slowlessness that all will be good at end. 

But I'm more than a turtle. I feel more than that. I feel..  I feel like..  like something.., where you use my emotion until I'm alright then afterwards be thrown away.. only if you'd knew the impacts you have carved into my heart, only if your understanding where even as mine.. but it's all yours now, wish you goodness and all favor from God. 

I wish you would think of me when the perfect time comes. 

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Wish I could do something to not feel the pain when I see you smiling. To see you are happy with everyone else.  Just to know that all is well and that I never meant anything from you.. 

A turtle might be easier to understand because it's slowlessness can give time to think that in the end all will be good enough. I wish I was like the turtle to just get into my own shell whenever my pain could kill me, it was because I gave enough love to you and never had crossed your mind how much you had affected me deeply.. You're such a poison in my heart and in my mind. You are the friend I have given all my emotions to. But.. .who cares anyway? You moved on, I moved back.. you let go and I kept my hope to dream you're here....