Stuck in between...

I would have....
I could have....
that is what I suppose to say most of time...

If I could...
If I had....
If I did not...
If I was...
that is the word I keep telling myself all the time...

Those times were full of regression, madness...emptiness....loneliness..
I have been busy thinking of the FUTURE...  what it look like? and how it does it look like..?
I have been busy thinking about things that have not yet happened... How foolish am I...
And days go by that sometimes, I do not even have the time to weep..
And when I weep, I must be finished soon. Because things are waitng for me, my tasks..
Oh these obligations, they never end...  These hardships, they always comes a new...

And times of loneness, I could imagine myself there..I feel the emptiness.. there is something missing...
If I would have think of it before, maybe I am affected by Mama and Papa, whom have been separated from each other in my younger years... Oh yes...maybe it had a part... And far from the horizon, I am seeking for comfort.. and I could fantasize the love of Rose and Jack, or the love of William Thucker and Anna Scott in Notting Hill..  Then it made my heart beat a little bit happier...to hope a little more...

And friends see me, I see them... I smile, and they smile too.. But somehow I can see when they turn their backs they got big stories going on in their curly little minds.. Oh brains... brains have been to busy... How could that be? when brain itself weighs 1,5kg. well, to think of it... it have a lot of space... But I hope their brain is not busy in thinking about others lives... Coz they do... If I could only see...

And in the end of the day, I get stucked in the middle of my thinking.. About a lot of things...
It runs too much till I get tired... Yeah... and think of those words again... as I start talking to myself...
If only I could...then I would.. realizing..that was a song ey?

anyways..here is a FANTASY music and hope you enjoy..

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And Imagination of THE FIRST SUPERMAN...

Think If HE WAS REAL::: then his job would be difficult..

Coz the world would rely on him only...

Intense Pain of Mind and Body...

...IN THE CALMNESS OF THE OCEAN HIDES SOMETHING BURNING UNDERNEATH....

I was so distressed these past few weeks. A little bit tired of myself and things around me.
Things had been running through my mind and it made a sudden pain into my heart.
Looking back of all the things I have been through... Oh you...!! You have no idea what I have been through... Depression and loneliness had attacked me and I could not hold on the tears from falling. Coz there are times that I am so happy and so overwhelmed, and rest of times am I so full of anguish that I could not see the bright side of this life.
Remembering those days when I were still in my fathers arms, when he still have the responsibility on me like I just didnt care.. Times with my siblings, those moment that responsibility is far away from the mind.. And play is only the central thing I am available to.
 Yet i have responsibility as an elder sister, but it was not that tempting and heavy.

Few years afterwards, look at me?? I am a full grown woman now..
Running my life, got married and have two children.
Which way I have walked thru doesn's seem so clear until now. The responsibility I have heared from my father took over me now. And family, studies, children, a mothers responsibility..
 It is a fact that things just go in circles. Either u run from it or you take it. So I have chosed to carry the responsibility and it is extremely painful to think that can't i have a day just to look over how I ever look like?
 But these pain I feel, I wish will pass away.. Somehow I know I will be able to manage it by the help of the Lord. This anguish is just a trial to see how far I can hold on.... which sometimes I wanted to let go.

And I am only human, I would have not known when will the agony coming back. Or what might going to happen tomorrow.. But then, the next time it will come back.., surely I am prepared to manage it.