Living in Depression, cancer of the soul.

Life sometimes is absurd, all things that we have tried to forget comes back to haunt us. Environment is very huge for us to fit in, where shall I place myself? Where do i belong? Whom shall I trust and whom shall I love?

Everyone of us have spoken to ourselves many times. Asked many questions many times, and many times we couldnt even find the answers. Or might be that the answers can be found to others? I dont know.

Times pass by so fast sometimes, and most of the times it is very slow. I can see the day light starts to get dim, as if the dark clouds are coming over me. I can see my past haunts me.

In my dreams they are so clear that they create fear inside of me. I live in the dream and im in between half awake and half asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweat, dizziness and drown by my own agony. Im trapped and my heart palpitations are getting heavier as if I am running for marathon. 

There it goes, I would like to have freedom? can i buy that? oh, well if theres freedom to buy i could have been the first to have bought it, or diligent in pursuit of degree in happiness. 

But I wonder where is happiness when I needed her? shes not around you know? she might be as well as busy as me, just like everybody else. 

I look at myself in the mirror and all I see are failures that had been crowned on the top of my head. I can see the smiles of my competitors and concurrence with the look in their eyes as if they are talking to me. Speaking me all of my mistakes and my weaknesses. I have seen my loved ones faces, They are so lovely, adorable. They made me smile and aired my lungs for while. And then suddenly, I see my very own self, stucked right there, still living on her own. Steadily, i see my eyes missing the one person I onced were. Who was I then and who am I now? I couldnt barely knew myself. I feel so disgusting of all the things I have been through.

I see my way back to the dream, those times when I was tiny and held by many arms. Handle with care I suppose, but they made me broken, both inside and out. Then after the tragedy, I left them with satisfaction yet they cost me my life. I felt like a ransom towards an unforgiving future. 

Justice was never declared, I was too weak, Justice is really blind. And I am aware of that. The world is a trash can of all humans of Good and Bad. And of all those darkness, I can see light, and light is precious but I cant hold it. I cant touch it. And as the sun goes down by the waters, I feel it slipping away and leaving me again...until tomorrow.

“Fairy tales dont tell you that dragons are real, but that they can be defeated!” 

Now where was I? I am in the midst of my anxiety, I feel needed but i need someone too. Where would I turn to`? when all I see are my loved ones calling me, I must be strong for while, to show that I am very strong, I can defeat the dragon in me. But no one knew I am fighting against myself.
That At this moment, right now, my enemy is Me. But who would dare to ask how I feel? except from the traditional questions '' How are yoy today?'' which is answered in a traditonal way ''I am fine''.  Its hard to wear a smile then turn around as tears may run down easily. 

I LOVED LIFE ONCE, I LIVED LIFE ONCE, but now its gone.This misery I feel is like a poison planted by those who mis-used my vulnerability. I long for peace inside of my head.
I feel like seeing myself right there where I stood when I was tortured deeply. My heart and soul is wounded. I long for freedom.. And yes, I needed freedom, yes! you heard it right! Freedom. 

You might think I am imprisoned, yes thats true. I am imprisoned into my past that couldnt let me go. I forgave and let go but the hurt was not fading away. It doesnt leave me at all no matter what i do. Or maybe sometimes i think that death is the best escape, but you know I cant. I've got two kids. On the other hand, they can be my reason but no. One day in their lives, they will come to decide to live their own, to create their own story. And yes, to the end, it will be between me and silence again. I fear silence, I fear loneliness, I fear darkness, its killing my soul deeply. Like it eats my bone marrow day and night. My tears dries up each night i sleep on my pillow.

Even my blanket refuse to give me warm when I feel cold. And the negative emotions come and comfor me with sadness and fears. they are diligent in keeping me company. 

But I stand to refuse to let go of my pain, though it stuck me right through my heart and mind. reminding me of all the pain and failures I did and reminding me of all the dismayed others had caused me. I long to have my life back, I long to see me again. That lady I once were.

I almost feel like a cancer patient, but difference is...I've got the cancer into my soul.. and its going to kill me one day... And freedom from above all this pain and sorrow is the thing I need. free me.. free me....Until tomorrow when the sun shines again..

Come Oh my Lord, and bless me! among your people, I am this tiny little one. You see? my life had ate me, it had cursed me daily. my sufferings I know You see.. Dont be deaf to my call. You are great among all powers and bigger than the universe my eyes could see. 

You are mighty than all knowledge any human had known. You are big in my life, you had formed me. I know its not your will for me to suffer, but whatelse have my ancestors had done, please consider me. I am your servant. You had formed me to be in your likeness, You created me just like you are. Bear with me! And count me in as one to those you have healed. Give me back my peace and give me the best thing to continue to live my life. Let me see your works, and let me go to the places you want me to go. Let me speak what you have to say because in You, I'll be restored. In You, I will rejoice, in You my soul is secured. Take out my soul from the illness of these world, and comfort me. Let Your power move into my life that your people will see that there is goodness in me. That through You I am whole again. My heart will once again have a life, this time it will be Your life I will live onwards.

How many days have I lost? How can I get back to the place where I started? I'm outside a house, trying to find my way in. But it is locked and the blinds are down, and I've lost the key, and I can't remember what the rooms look like or where I put anything. And if I dare go in inside, I wonder... will I ever be able to find my way out? People say I'm going crazy. But inevitably, I didn't have the time to ask myself if I am crazy. I only know one thing, that crazy people don't give time to think they are nuts..!

I Need My Shell

I guess I'm too sensitive, my heart could feel all the emotions and every of my nerve can feel the pain whenever I think of one person. 

 Isn't it written in the Bible that a friend must be a friend at all times?  Including the good and the bad?

I knew that friendship could atleast give us company. Or maybe I am assuming too much. 

I had done mistakes but those moments was the time I needed you the most. Those were the time I was lost and in need of someone to hold of and tell me or might remind me to go back to the right way.  But you left,  yes. 

You were with me in times of good, when all my senses were working well  and all my substance where at peak to produce all the gladness I have in me. 

 I know myself, that in those times with you, you became a part of me. You became close to my heart, just as same as my very first bestfriend. I counted you the second.  Or even closer to me,. I'm not that bad I guess. You should've considered the goodness in me,  cause somehow I relied that you really know me than anyone else. 

Then my fall came, my weakness took over me.  And same time I fall, same time you let me go. 

I am in turmoil and struggling to fight against myself, still you look at me invisibly and only see my mistake. 

Your mouth released forgiveness but your heart is full of blame. 

Now where is your belief that I use to admire?  Where is your heart I use to hold onto. Or might be that all those things you've shown were just an act in a play where we were both actresses.
That would be a good play then!!

Now my fall left me wounded at heart. 

I am hurt seeing you moving on while I am still in pain thinking that I was never meant something for you at all.  Never!!
You turned not knowing I loved you dearly.  Its hurting me really, stabbed right through my heart. That's what you did.

And I think and wished I was a turtle.  That whenever I would feel my hurt,I could just pull my head down and keep myself in my shell.  That above those pretty captivated shell, I am unknown under talking alone. Then when all is well, I could just get out for a little time, take time through slowlessness that all will be good at end. 

But I'm more than a turtle. I feel more than that. I feel..  I feel like..  like something.., where you use my emotion until I'm alright then afterwards be thrown away.. only if you'd knew the impacts you have carved into my heart, only if your understanding where even as mine.. but it's all yours now, wish you goodness and all favor from God. 

I wish you would think of me when the perfect time comes. 

**************************************

Wish I could do something to not feel the pain when I see you smiling. To see you are happy with everyone else.  Just to know that all is well and that I never meant anything from you.. 

A turtle might be easier to understand because it's slowlessness can give time to think that in the end all will be good enough. I wish I was like the turtle to just get into my own shell whenever my pain could kill me, it was because I gave enough love to you and never had crossed your mind how much you had affected me deeply.. You're such a poison in my heart and in my mind. You are the friend I have given all my emotions to. But.. .who cares anyway? You moved on, I moved back.. you let go and I kept my hope to dream you're here....

Out For Air

Would it be possible to get out and think that when you inhaled fresh air, it would really help you to sooth your body's need of oxygen, and maybe.., yes maybe... it would even lessen your stress and give your brain some stimulans?

I woke up with an extreme headache and felt so anxious. I would blame it again for the weather but I guess I would blame it more on myself. I sleep late last night, I was busy, my mind was thinking too much things. Maybe it was not a good idea to share you what i was thinking then, It would just make you feel gross about it. 

I was chatting, netsurfing, facts, documentaries and seeking some funny pictures online. Well thats the only world I know for now, these digital world had made life a little bit busier for the modern people.

Time is 11 am and I must get up, got to meet some friend down the centrum. Have to have some fresh air i think, and see some new faces. I never knew it is very tiring to see my face everyday hahaha. I did get tired of my own face so I need to refresh my eyes in seeing new things and meeting new people, or they are not new but they seem new everytime hahaha coz i dont go out often. I go out through google surfing most of the time. hahaha

So, im all dressed up and going to meet Nori, shes a sweet young lady, married, thin pretty and sweet. I like her, I keep thinking wish I was thin like her, ahh but that was when I was 15 then. Now damn!! I am already 28. almost a decade hahahah..

We went to a secondhand butik and just looking for some old stuff, then after thirty minutes, we have to meet hezel. she is my old time friend. I like her too. Shes amazing.

Walking down town, time spent for having some coffee break, chatting and babbling, almost nonsense babbling but it was fun.- It made my mind busy though, at a time I made my brain refreshed and stiumulae are on. Eyes got tired, acid are bubbling in my stomach but Im alright.

So, I tell you, never loose hope. Take a deep breath whenever you feel down. Life have its ups and downs but if yours are always down, you yourself have to find some way to make it Ups... 

Get out!! Make friends, but maybe with limits! See things, new things!! and meet new people, sure people or maybe pretending to be people...hahahha I dont know...! try to do something..

so heres some pics..

Melodifestval 2014

Sweden's warming up for the Melodifestival with their contestants regarding the contribution to the Upcoming  EUROVISION 2014...

Now is the highlight of the preparation of Sweden for the Melodifestival. Their contestants are burning for their passion aiming to be the representative on the upcoming Eurovision 2014... The winner of the Melodifestival will be the representative of Sweden in the Eurovision Contest..

The live transmission is aired on SVT1 every saturday since the 1st of february until 8th of march.

Here are some contributions...

De tävlande:

1. Outtrigger – Echo

Låtskrivare: Outtrigger, Joy Deb, Linnea Deb, Anton Malmberg Hård af Segerstad

2. EKO – Red 

Låtskrivare: Joy Deb, Linnea Deb, Anna Lidman, Hannes Lundberg och Michael Ottosson

3. Oscar Zia – Yes We Can

Låtskrivare: Fredrik Kempe, David Kreuger och Hamed Pirouzpanah

4. Shirley Clamp – Burning Alive

Låtskrivare: Bobby Ljunggren, Henrik Wikström, Marcos Ubeda och Sharon Vaughn

5. State of Drama – All We Are 

Låtskrivare: Göran Werner, Emil, Gullham, Sanken Sandquist och Sebastian Hallifax

6. CajsaStina Åkerström – En enkel sång

Låtskrivare: CajsaStina Åkerström

7. Ace Wilder – Busy Doin’ Nothin 

Låtskrivare: Ace Wilder, Linnea Deb och Joy Deb

8. dr. alban & Jessica Folcker – Around the World

Låtskrivare: dr. alban, Jakke Erixson och Karl-Ola Kjellholm

Credits to: Reporter Emma Petersson 

Source: svt.se/melodifestival

Life in Winter...

Winter is the the moment when life freezes for a while but to humans, its just another season of striving harder!

I am looking through the window again today, the snow was thick the other day. Now is already february and ive not seen the snow stayed for while. It was okay though its very cold. How I wish there'd be snow so it will make the day lighter and brighter. Its dark in winter, these long months causes me depression and loneliness. 

I hear people talk about global warming, as I tend to pull my wallet out of my bag, im standing infront of the cashier on a grocery store. I could hear people murmuring and complaining its too cold outside, so i dared to look at them and they were blondies. How come they're not used to this weather? They grew up here, look at me, an immigrant and not even complaining all the time about these weather. Ahh, too much, so i rushed to pay the cashier and run to my apartment. I noticed it had affected me about what Ive heard, coz i came in rushing to my door just to warm myself. Then looking out the window again, I could see the heaven is so dark that it almost speaks of agony. 

There was nothing much to do in winter for me, I have my study, I have a little job, but after all these years I am not glad to see the heaven sad. The sun is sometimes visiting here in the west, but not too long. I feel more than a zombie, my skin looks paled and my lips are dry. I need some vitamin D. The wind is blowing painfully on my cheekbone as it says it can torture me physically.

Winter, how I wish you could freeze my life too. In a moment I can sleep from all of the things that disturb my mind. How I wish I could sleep just like what you do to trees. You make them freeze and take all of its old leaves, would you try to do that to me too? would you even try to freeze me and remove all the past both good and bad and just let me rest for many months..

Well maybe that is why I try to sleep, but even when I sleep I  still feel my agony in me. It haunts me deep in sleep. Maybe because I am alone and missing my kids, my family in homeland too. There is no one around me now, all i hear is my own voice, the tv when it is open. and the echoes I create whenever I am moving myself. 

Winter, show me some light of yours, let your snow fall from haven telleing me you feel me too..

I need a bright light to lessen my sorrow...or most, maybe I need some hug from someone who cares for me......

Life in the west

Stress and depression in winter time!

Well I am writing again, as I have none to talk to.

Lately, my life was very busy of all the odds I'm facing. I have my own 

apartment just as I have always wanted. I am still not used to look around without my kids in sight.

I miss them so badly I feel dying. 

Outside the window is 19degress celsius. Its quite cold but enough to waken up my senses.

My neighborhood is kinda quite, of course its almost elders who live here. A little further out of the building where I live, is a little passage, sort of a forest with a little landscape. The ground is not realy covered with snow yet, but its absolutely freezing cold. It looks busy outside. But I am still clinging here with my memories back then, many of memries to remember. I dont have time to bring them back all at once, but they usually visits me in times like this.

Life is a little chaos right now, I need someone to talk to. I dont know who. But in my feelings right now, I feel numb or was it just my imagination that runs too fast. I miss the childrens laughter and how they run and jump all over me. The touch of their face. Well I sound so isolated, yes I do. My kids are with their father at the moment, looking forward to have them this weekend, hopefully..

This weather could kill me sooner, I just wish that days and months would just go by so fast to come nearer to Summer..I like summer, the sun, trees, flowers, grass and keeping out of this horrible clothings that weighs more than my head. I wish I could just leave but I cant, I cant afford to leave yet, my kids are still here, maybe later when they are on the right age. Oh, I dont know what to do now, maybe ill sleep this over.. Depression makes my head spins a lot and think too much of things beyond my expectations. Stressed by the situation looking after myself on how I could even survive. I wish I could do something....

-->>> Travel Back to SwedenThe

Vacation: October 31 2013: 

First Stop: Xiamen, China. It was a boring place, the airport was the worst thing i have seen since I have learned to travel abroad. The net was not even free for passengers and standby people waiting for the next flight. If you are a foreigner, you must have a china mobile number registered before you can get into the net. Otherwise, your phone and your tablet or any sorts of communication gadget is useless. The food however is indulging, yet expensive. yeah, I am glad somehow on my trip that I met people. On my journey, I flew with the China Southern Airlines. The worst of the company was that the flight attendants were not even good in english. The stewardess was speaking of some flight instructions before the plane will take off, she says ''da ehplen well naw tekof, ples fessen every sitbelt'' hahah thats the way she pronounced it though.. Instead of saying 'the aircraft will now take off, please fasten your seatbelt.''

The food was great, I had pain in stomach coz I took too much coffee.

Stop in Xiamen was a great blessing from the Lord. I met a couple from Philippines whom were working in the UK. The good thing in the Airline compnay was that they offered a free hotel while we will wait for the next flight in about 7hours or so, Im not so sure at the time. Well, we got a nice glimpse through China when we went to the hotel provided by the airline. 

The hotel receptionist booked each of the passengers by two's. So because I was alone, I got a roommate, A girl named Charisse. I saw her and looked frightened, but I felt the calling from God that I must speak with her. And then we went into the room without much word from each other. She lied on bed while I observed her, she looked like she think too much but i didnt bother. The I broke the silence and said, i will go take a shower. She nodded in agreement.The bathroom was funny, toilet is so near the shower side. there was a bathfoam and a shampoo on the edge of the shower button. I wonder whats the purpose of the foam coz there was no bathtub. Then when I turned on the shower, the water on the floor starts to get up to my feet up to my kneel. then I laughed and tried to tell that to my roommate. she was smiling then. I saw her smile was freely given. She was adorable. I liked her. Until We spoke to each other in amazement as I opened up my computer playing some gospel music. I was afraid she would reject from hearing the sound, but was delighted when she commented that it was a nice music. it was playing the Casting Crowns 'who am I'. Until we end up sharing each others lives and stories. almost about God, about lovelife and curiosity. well, it went good, but we could not sleep. Could not even touch the tea bag coz it cost and so we luckily I opened up my bag and I saw my chocolate drink which i warmed up for me and her.

Anyways, on these journey, i have learned that God's calling was merely pure calling and pure purpose.I am glad I met these couples where I have shared the word of God and shared a little bit of happiness in me. I have learned that no matter where we come from, and what walk of life we live, we might not never know what might going to happen. until it will just be a click and then you'll find yourself standing on someones door.My emotions was very great, coz I am blessed by the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I praye for those whom I have travelled with to keep in their heart what they have learned that day we met. May God cover them with the holy precious blood and keep them in sight always. 

here are the Pictures.

Afternoon sunset in China

The way to the Airline hotel

That wonderful lady Charisse..

ME and her sharing the room, a chitchat and much bla bla bla...

The whole group I've travelled with....